T'was the night before Christmas, Old Santa is pissed.
   He's cussed out the elves, and thrown down his list.
   "Miserable little brats, ungrateful small jerks.
   I've a good mind to quit, to scrap the whole works!"

   "I've busted my ass for year after year,
   But instead of 'Thanks Santa', what do I hear?
   My old lady's spiteful 'cause I work late at night,
   The elves want more money, the reindeer all fight.
   Rudolph gets drunk, the doe he all gooses,
   None of them fly, they all fat as mooses".

   "And just when I thought that things could get better,
   Those assholes at IRS sent me a letter.
   They claim I owe taxes, if that ain't damn funny?
   Who the 'ell ever sent Santa Claus money?

   "Naughty or Nice, all kids are the pits.
   Each wants the impossible, ' demanding lit'le shits!"
   I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
   Assembling dolls, their legs, arms and heads.
   Tons of yo-yo's, and trains, but no one wants any.
   Kids all want PlayStations™, ' think that I'm Sony !"

   "Flying through the air, dodging the trees,
   Falling down chimneys, skinning my knees,
   Freezing my tail, getting no sleep.
   I'm quitting this job I don't want to keep.
   I'll do something else, this has no enjoyment...
   I'll sit on my ass, and draw unemployment."

   So now there's no Christmas, 
   But you know the reason.
   Santa found him a blonde,
   And went SOUTH for the season!

--S. Claus, Nassau, Bahamas
©2001 S.Claus and North Pole Enterprises Ltd. ^{* note}
All rights reserved.